Day 365: Next Year

So it's been one year since I have started losing weight. One year since that little switch in my head turned on, and although sometimes it dims, manages to never completely shut off. Three hundred and sixty-five days (probably more because my counting of the days might have been off here or there).... frankly, it's felt a lot longer, but not necessarily because of the weight.

I think this has been the most eventful 365 days in my entire life. From extreme highs to extreme lows - a rollercoaster I will never forget. From beginning this journey, deciding to blog about it - something I definitely felt silly doing for a long while, graduating University, worrying about the future, being rejected by nursing school, being accepted into Nuclear Medicine, going blonde, going to Cancun, searching for a place to live downtown for months, starting a new school, commuting to school, moving into a new place, having to tell landlord I was moving out of new place, looking for a condo, buying a condo, moving into a condo, painting the condo, (still) organizing a condo, more school, close encounters with the male kind, friend visits, school stresses, joined intramurals, made new friends, forced myself out of my normal box.

I like the person that I have become. I appreciate her confidence and perseverance over tough times. I rarely let the bad stuff get to me for very long. And although the last two weeks have been difficult on the scale, this is not a reflection of my day-to-day life. No, my normal weeks include lots of exercise, decent amounts of sleep, my full amount of water, a vitamin each day and the ability to choose my foods wisely. Besides my stupid knee, I am feeling good, looking good - I mind less and less the image in the mirror, even naked.

In one year I have managed to lose 55lbs - almost exactly one pound per week when averaged out. It sounds a little disappointing that way, but what that means is I didn't gain weight over the past year, and I didn't just stop at losing 10%, or 20% or even when I managed to get down to my previously lowest-ever weight (217lbs) like I have done every other time. As difficult as those goals were - certainly more difficult the closer I got to them in that weird, self-sabotage kind of way - I managed to just stick through it.

Now for the real test... getting under 200lbs. This will honestly be the biggest challenge of my life. I know that because the unknown is always scary, despite the allure and charm of being merely 'overweight' instead of 'obese' and beginning to blend in more with society. I am not sure I will know how to handle it, even now I am getting different kinds of attention than I have ever received and it's a challenge to stay grounded and true to myself. However, even saying that, it's likely that I will change with my body. I can't be the same person and maintain the weight loss... something has to change inside me for this to be permanent. I am changing.

It's my goal to lose the next 45lbs before Feb 27, 2009 - considering the past year, this is totally doable.

So here is to another year of losing weight (the last, I hope!) and to my first year of blogging (in March) and to a new life as a new person - inside and out! And same to all of you - I am so proud to call you guys friends. We will all succeed! I really appreciate all the readers and all the comments - it has definitely helped me through this long, arduous (but completely worthwhile) journey...


Hmm... what does 55lbs look like?? Well... after some google image searching... this pike (?)
looked pretty impressive - so I have lost a 'pike' in weight (it's better than the dead deer I found).
And so what does 55lbs look like on me? Well...
The Before:

And the after (in progress):

Day 364: On/Off

Update: still none... but the numbers are going down...

Well, I have to say Kathy that your comment was a pretty great kick to my ass. I didn't get to read it until after I came home from the day - but I did stop eating, and stayed within calories for the day. Thanks Kathy! I will be back to full speed tomorrow - exercise and all. No excuses.

I've had a really crappy (really really) and also a pretty decent day. It started off where I got 0% on a practical exam because of a stupid mistake. I felt so defeated - it was worth 20% of my final mark, but somehow my teacher still thinks I can pass.. we'll see. The whole class has been complaining that it's possible to get nothing despite successfully completing the skill. So I have to really put my ass in gear and pretty much get perfect on everything else the rest of the year to pass this freaking course. It was nice to hear so much support from the class at the ridiculousness of the marking scheme.

Another thing that made it better was that my friend Steve offered to make me breakfast during our break, so we went back to his apartment where he made me a moderately greasy breakfast of two sausages, a small omelette, toast and a hashbrown. It was good and comforting, and I really appreciated the gesture. And I still stayed within calories... (main point here)

The rest of the school day was pretty uneventful - surprisingly I managed not to cry or do anything too embarrassing despite being moderately upset about the morning.

I had been texting with a new boy from lavalife all day, so that perked my spirits. We decided to meet tonight, and I was really nervous about it. But it all went fine, he's cute, he's brown (he's the first brown man I've gone on a date with), he's successful and he is super flattering. He tells me how beautiful I am and is very touchy-feely, but besides a couple kisses, nothing crazy happened... lol... I might be seeing him again on Friday, but I'll have to see.

I don't think I ever mentioned that I went on a second date with Josh where we decided that we weren't going to date anymore. We will attempt the 'friends' thing - but I am not even sure I want him as a friend as he is the most self-absorbed man I have ever talked to (something I fully realized after the second date). It was such a load off to figure all that out with him.

Goal number one for tomorrow is just to get my bloody water in - it's been impossible lately... So that is the story morning glory.

363: Turn it Up

Update: nope... not going to happen..

So I now realize why I started my diet last year *after* reading week (spring break for you Americans). I can't say I did very much during it, but that was partly the problem. I sat at home eating and then I would go out and... well, eat. I wouldn't get the gym and certainly napping never counts as exercise. Another difficulty of the week involves my pretty severe procrastination that has been happening this semester. I have never felt so unmotivated in school in all my life (although, I am pretty sure I have said this before). Teachers this semester are horrible, the content is either so boring that I want to put myself to sleep or it's something we have previously learned. I get this pretty severe urge to wing everything I do - midterms, quizzes, practicals. I just don't want to spend more energy than is necessary this semester. I am not sure what caused this change, maybe because I killed myself last semester and I know it's not worth doing again. So instead of finishing important work, I sit and sit... and then eat.

I know I will get back to healthy living, but I don't know when that will be. I want to get down to 199lbs, but I just need to get my motivation back. Something is missing right now - confidence, energy, determination, etc. I will get it all back. I have to get it back.

Tomorrow is the end of my stress for a little while, so I have no more excuses not to get back to exercising at school - long, very sweaty sessions.

I did manage to get to the condo gym the other day where I was actually able to run a mile again (yay! the knee didn't hurt), but it was definitely not enough. I think I will very very slowly increase my mileage so I may eventually get to 5km (3.1miles) - one third of the way!

I ate poorly today, but still managed to stay within calories - hopefully that is a first step towards feeling better (again) about all this. I always do this right before a big deadline - they just never ever work for me. Self-sabotage should be my middle name... oh well... it's not like the 'journey' ends at the one year mark anyway.

Day 359: Shame

Update: None until Feb. 27th

I suppose it's time to finally get myself out of my funk and get back to it. As much as I love having time off from school, it is so difficult to stay on track - for me anyway. Events pop up randomly, I sit in my place all day - practically nothing else to do but eat.

I managed to stay moderately on track yesterday by exercising half hour more than I usually go for. It was a little punishment for being so bad the past couple of days.

My dinner on Friday, turned into a dinner out every single night for 4 days. Once with my dad, once with Josh, and once with my mom, in addition to the first meal with Suki.

And now, once again, I have a meal out tonight. Although, this one has been planned for a week or two now, so I don't resent it.

I am sick of my knee and how it prevents me from running - which prevents me from exercising in my condo gym because the only decent piece of equipment is a treadmill. I am tired of having -20 (degrees Celsius) stop me from enjoying the outdoors. I am tired of procrastinating... but that still doesn't make me want to study for anything.

I want the motivation I felt just one week ago, to come back and bite me in the ass - give me that tiny bit of willpower to get through the next couple days and then allow me to get through the rest by myself.

And if I want to see a loss on the scale from last month, I need to get my ass in gear and forget the rich foods, the chips, the chocolate. I definitely feel like I have been caught up in a carbohydrate addiction, and I just need to break the cycle to stop craving it all the time.

My mom has begun the South Beach Diet, and for the first two weeks you cut out breads, fruits and many other carbohydrates. I really think this would be helpful for me to stop craving the sweets, but I really truly have an aversion to a 'diet', especially one that cuts out fruits, ever. But maybe I'll try it for a little while (as soon as I finish eating all my delicious fruit, no reason to let it go to waste) if I can't get back on track myself.

So I am sorry to disappoint. I easily could have been pushing the 200s right now, but instead and above my 205 (I feel it, even if I refuse to look at the number on the scale).

Despite me complaining about the treadmill, I think I will force myself on it today, and later on tonight I am going bowling with my class, so at least I'll get a little bit of exercise to offset my dinner out. But no... I will not let my dinner out screw me up. Hmm... the menu is not much help in healthy offerings.... what do you guys think? a thin crust pizza or chicken marsala.... ahh.. pizza it is... the other has linguine. Everything had butter, or cream sauces or was fried. Grr... Oh well, that and a salad should be enough.

Day 354: Great Expectations

Update: 208lbs

Not to worry... the gain today is from my three course meal last night with my friend Suki who came back from China - she was visiting our other friend. I had received $100 gift certificate from my realtor a while back for an Italian restaurant, so I figured we might as well get our money's worth. It was delicious food (and delicious martinis), but I managed not to eat everything on my plate(s). Neither of us completely finished the buffalo mozzarella appetizer, or the pasta dishes we each picked out (I had a really delicious penne chicken pesto) and I did not even finish my chocolate, flour-less torte. All small victories, but satisfying - I can definitely say that I wasn't deprived.

She told me that I looked 'glowing' - what a great compliment! One of the one's that aren't tied to weight (not outwardly anyway), yet almost more satisfying than a 'you look skinny'. Overall it was a really nice evening of just chatting and eating.

Friday was one of the best days... not only did I have a great dinner with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, but also I went shopping! I needed new bras and underwear and a pair of jeans. I went in the Gap and bought... my first pair of... size 14 jeans. Eeee!! I can honestly say I don't really remember ever being a fourteen. I am pretty sure the first few pairs of Gap jeans I had ever bought were 16 (when I was 16, I think). They are the tiniest bit tight, but are also stretchy, so think they will fit perfectly within the next 2-15lbs off. It was the greatest thing to be able to ask for a 14, a size that regular stores actually carry. Although, it goes to show you what a crapshoot sizing is because I bought an extra-small tanktop (it was obviously a mislabeled extra-large - their only one). But nonetheless, the 14 is definitely a milestone for me.

Valentine's Day went over really nicely. Only a couple people cancelled on me or ultimately couldn't make it, but we still had a nice group. I met my sister's new boyfriend for the first time and he was wonderfully friendly - so someone I think I could get along with (thank god). I ate popcorn and candy, but again, I did not finish either package or even the chocolates that my sister gave me for valentine's day (I still have some). Somehow I managed to stay the same weight on Friday morning, so I was pretty happy with the evening.

I was supposed to go out tonight, but my friends cancelled on me because the weather tomorrow for them to drive back is supposed to be difficult (freezing rain). I am a little angry and disappointed. I really wanted to go out and have fun (especially considering this is my first weekend of my reading week - I am supposed to spend it doing nothing important). Grr... oh well. I have to clean my condo and maybe watch some movies with my bad self - not a horrible idea either.

Me and Josh (the date guy) have chatted a bit and I told him that I honestly didn't feel a spark, but that I was comfortable with him and wouldn't mind going on a second date. So tomorrow he is calling me to set something up. While we were talking he was saying how he wanted to take me on a real date and make it something I would have wanted on Valentine's day and I groaned inwardly when I read that (we were chatting online), but whatever, I told him the honest truth about my feelings, so it's his fault if he dives in to deep. I am honestly a little excited for it though, I have never been on a date at a restaurant before - it's usually just a casual pub get together that I get myself into. I want to dress up and look fabulous, but there is also this small nagging feeling not to go overboard and lead him on. I will let you know how it all goes... as usual.

Alright, I am off. Have a wonderful (insert adjective here) Saturday!

Day 352: The One the Love

Update: 205lbs... two more weeks and 5 more pounds... it will be a close call... but either way, right now I am really really happy with it... I am 55lbs down and over halfway to my goal!

Happy Valentine's Day!!! (even to the single girls, like myself!)

I love this website: someecards.com - a little off-colour, but very funny :)

Whew... I am tired... my arms are super sore and my back is achy... exercise? you ask... nope.. nope.. instead I walked only two LONG blocks from the grocery store with 75lbs of food. (I weighed myself with all the food still in hand and it brought me to 279lbs... ). Insane amount of food... why oh why do I wait for three weeks to go grocery shopping? I am an idiot. I actually had to stop like 10 times on the way because it was just way too heavy for me to carry (and I like to consider myself moderately strong). I kept wishing someone would ask if I needed help, but alas I was on my own with those damn groceries. But I am excited to eat all of it! Pints of blueberries were a dollar, I have strawberries, bananas, low fat cool whip (my treat to myself for Valentine's day), quinoa (I will put one of your badges on my site Kathy - hopefully this week!), breads, tons of vegetables to stuff myself on in the next week. I think I'll make a chicken parmesan tomorrow night or a pizza, or pasta... oh the choices! But right now... I want some delicious fruit...

While grocery shopping I was thinking about what treat I really wanted for valentines day and as I was walking through the aisles I saw a lot that I liked, but nothing really that I wanted - either I knew a 'whole box' of something would be gone by tomorrow, or I just didn't want to pick that one thing to be my treat. I finally settled on a nice little mini-egg. I only get to eat them one time during the year (well.. the four months before Easter and the two months after.. haha), but I love them and luckily they are very single-serving. The perfect treat today. Although, I will be going out to dinner (who knows where yet) in about and hour and a half, so that may end up being the real calorie problem today, but I will do my best.

Alright... have a great, romantic, relaxing (etc.) Valentine's Day and I will see you tomorrow!

Day 351: That Old Feeling

Update: sshhh.... but it's 206.6lbs!!!! almost 55lbs down and so so so so close to under 200 - it may actually be possible by the end of February


It's too early to say much this morning, so I'll add to this later on today.

Day 350: Sometimes I'm Happy

Update: technically, there shouldn't be one.. but I snuck a peak just now and it was 208.6lbs... a new low...

I have finally gotten over my sure gain last week and managed to do it without exercise. Yup, the gym bunny is too busy to exercise (at least until tomorrow).

I had made a significant effort to get to the gym yesterday morning, but after a late night, -20 and below morning temperatures and knowing I had a long day ahead of me, I just couldn't make myself get out of bed. Other than that, eating has been good. I have finally managed to eat within the ~1200 calories the last two days, but water intake has not been good. So I'll take the good over the bad... most of my school work for the week is over (the stressful stuff), so I can go back to a normal schedule.

I know for sure that I will only eat at this calorie level until the end of February - there is just way too much work involved in making sure I don't go over and I am hungry during the day, so it's definitely not something I will do for very long. 14-1500 calories seemed perfect.

I still haven't quite decided if I will go out with Josh again... I think I might, just to see if anything develops, but it seems the consensus is that if you don't feel anything immediately, then it's unlikely to suddenly develop later. Maybe we can be friends... but I have no idea how that works...

I am actually really excited for Valentine's Day this year... about 15-20 people (mostly from my class) are coming with me to a movie and some will go out for dinner beforehand. I like knowing that I actually have plans for once, even if it's not with that special someone (instead it's with my special someones). And that night leads into my last day of class before reading week! Thank god... I need a break to just re-focus myself, both on school and on exercise/cooking. I am itching to get cooking again - especially since watching many, many cooking shows. My fridge contents are getting low, but with the blizzard that is occurring outside right now, I think I will have to wait until another day to get it done (even though it's only about two long blocks away). Grr... I can NOT wait until spring!

I had another wonderful NSV on the weekend when one of my ex-roomies visited me. When she saw me (she hadn't seen me since mid-December) she said 'Holy shit, you look fantastic!' and then later jokingly asked if I became bulemic (for the record, I'm not... I hate vomiting). It was really nice to hear because I technically haven't lost that much weight since December, but maybe the inches have come off and I do feel skinnier lately. Love the NSVs!

Goodnight ladies, I hope to comment soon on your lives!

Day 348: This Charming Man

Update: none... until next friday... or maybe even the end of the month

Alright, this post is long overdue. My week of temptation and bad decisions is finally over and tomorrow I will finally eat within my calories again - I want to do it (finally). I didn't make it to the gym this weekend but that is partly because my left knee is paining me and I have a crapload of studying to do for this week. Methinks the knee thing came about after I pushed myself on the treadmill last week. I am quite upset with it because this particular knee has never hurt me before, and it's never lasted this long. I think it may eventually result in a trip to a doctor. Shit. So for now I will stick with walking and ellipticalling (and praying mr. knee will heal itself).

As for the date... it went well. He has a really cute face, tall and is nice... don't feel that 'spark' but I am not sure if that is because it's too soon, or if we just aren't meant to be. He kissed me during the date and walked me to my door (presumably just to kiss me again) and I was very disappointed... he is NOT a good kisser... (haha... with all my extensive experience). I am the type to never talk to a guy again if I didn't feel anything during the date... I am thinking this is the year to leave that particular habit behind. What will it hurt to go on a second date? It will be my first second date ever and I have to keep telling myself that it doesn't mean I have to marry the guy. He called me on Friday for a date on Saturday but I said I was busy studying (which is mostly true), so we'll see if we do something later this week - and NOT on Valentine's day (I think that would be way too much pressure for a second date).

Question: Did you guys feel on the first date that spark for your significant other?

I'm feeling guilty with my eating for today, so maybe I will make the effort to do a half hour (+) on the treadmill tonight... we'll see. After this week I am going to make an effort to find some free weights, a skipping rope (did some of that on Thursday and it was better cardio than the elliptical!), and maybe a pilates dvd just to have on hand when the guilt feeling comes around.

Alright, I am out for the night. Have a good Monday morning!

Day 344: Round the Bend

Update:....

Ekk... this week has been a horrible horrible week for food and exercise. Since Friday, I have spent approximately two days at home (and only one of those days did I eat normally). Friday I was doing so well until my friend came over for a movie night. She wanted to get candy and other foodstuffs, and made sure we had all the candy food groups... chocolate, gummies, and popcorn. Ate way too much, but had a nice time. It was the first time I had invited someone over to the new place (from school) to hang out, so I am glad it went well.

Saturday night I drove to mom/dad's to say hello, got my TB test checked (waited a bloody hour for a 2 second session with the doctor) and drove to Guelph to both shop and visit with the Fashionista and my other friend Emma. We all (and Fashionista's bf) made dinner together (eggplant parmigiana) and went to the bar afterward. I bought some really great tops and at one point Fashionista is like 'did you lose weight? you look really great...'. Yay!... although at that moment I kinda brushed it off. Later she said it again and I finally just told her the big number. Definitely think she was surprised. Great to hear it from her. It was a nice night, but besides the drinking, it was relatively tame - I find going out with couples always works out that way.

Sunday was spent driving out to see my niece and nephew, eating take-out for lunch and eventually making it back to Toronto in time for Super bowl... ah yes, there it is... the almighty superbowl. Frankly, I have never watched it, but a friend from class asked if I wanted to go to the bar with her and her friends and I didn't want to pass it up. It was really, really fun. But... it was 6 hours of drinking, with a little bit of bar food (worst part was the beer though). My 'team' pulled off a nice win, a team chosen merely because they were the underdogs (although Tom Brady did make a good argument for the Patriots).

Monday was spent partly hung over, but I managed not to overeat... but also didn't get any exercise.

Tuesday was an okay day. I finally managed to force myself to exercise despite feeling a sore throat developing the last few days. My sister had invited me to a hockey game, so I spent the evening eating popcorn, a sub and some m&ms... oh yeah, and a beer.

Today I just couldn't force myself awake early enough to make lunch, so I bought a slice of pizza at school, and since then I haven't been making good choices... And tonight I have a date. With a lavalife guy. Ekk! We'll see how it goes. I am really trying not to get my hopes too high about the whole ordeal. At the very least I could probably get a friend out of it. I'll let you guys know how it goes... good or bad. We are going to a pub (for more beer) and some pool and darts. I like that idea because there is some interaction there, not 100% pressure on constant conversation. Tough part #1 is what to bloody wear...

So this week is a bust. I'll try to make Thursday count as a good day. I definitely have time to get to the gym, but I may not weigh myself until next week. So far I have nothing fun planned then - except maybe a movie with some friends on Valentines Day.

Anyhoo... I just wanted to give a quick update before it looked like I had gone the way of the dodo bird.

Day 339: Change of Season

Update: 210.4lbs

Alright, I think I have decided to change some things around here. For at least the month of February I am no longer going to be weighing in each day, but rather weekly (I couldn't give it up totally like Krissie!). I want there to be a specific number I can point to each week instead of my tiny ups and downs each day. I want it to be a surprise - which means I think I might be sending my scale to the dungeon for the week (i.e. my locker). Weigh-ins will be on Fridays because they are the furthest away from the weekend I can get and it actually gives me a chance to lose some poundage. I also reduced my calories a little bit more. I was eating 1400-1500 and pushing more on some days, I have been getting permissive with what I eat and frankly a tiny bit lazy. So with just over 1200 Calories I really have to plan ahead, make good choices to get all my protein and fibre in. If it ends up not being enough, then I'll increase it, but I just want to spark a bit of weight loss for the next month if possible. And I may actually develop a sense of self separate from the bloody scale. I want to see how I feel this week before I see what the numbers have in store for me - if I feel great and fit and healthy and happy, that is all that matters.

At the end of the month I think I'll do a re-design of my blog. I have no idea what I'll do with it, what I'll add or subtract, but I think it's definitely time to update, add some before and after pics etc. I am actually quite excited about it, despite the fact I am completely at a loss of what to do. If you have any ideas... I am all ears!

All this change is making me excited to see some numbers fall away. I planned out my meals in advance this morning and did a really great job, managing to get almost 90grams of protein in, 35 grams of fibre in 1250calories. Of course plans always manage to change when I am most set in my schedule, so my friend from class is coming over after dinner to watch a movie and I think she is bringing snacks. I'll offer popcorn and some diet soda of my own just to try to keep the options to a minimum. And then another friend from class invited me out to go drinking tonight. I don't think I will go, but I haven't hung out with her outside of school yet and I really like her, so I may make the effort and just keep it to one drink. We'll see. At the moment I am feeling mightily lazy.

I went down to my gym this morning and decided to try something different. After warming up on the treadmill for 5 minutes, I decided I would run for as long as I could without looking at the timer, just the distance. Somehow I got it in my head that I would run a mile if I could possibly handle it. And handle it I did! When I turned the display back to the time, I had run for 11 minutes straight! I don't mean to sound glib about it, because it was bloody hard. Those last two minutes were killing me... all I wanted to do was reach for my bottle of water and pour it down my throat, but of course, I couldn't because then I would have to stop breathing out of my mouth... and then I would die. Sweat was coming down in droplets and frankly dropping into my eyeballs (not so pleasant). But god, was I proud after that. A whole minute past my goal of running for 10 minutes straight. Proves that you can really psyche yourself out of going as hard as possible when you are watching the clock. I added 4 more minutes of running throughout the 45 minute workout and hopped off. I was going to do weight lifting but someone took away their free weights that had been there the weeks before. My dad told me to just buy some and take them down with me, which is what I will do eventually. I just did some crunches on the exercise ball and then did some girly push-ups. Finally I am actually feeling like I am making progress in that arena; I can do about 6 or 7 with pretty decent form (I am guessing). As soon as I can hit 10 relatively easily, I am going to hop on over to the man-style pushups (I will conquer them!).

I am excited for Kathy's tofu recipes this month because I conveniently bought a loaf? block? brick? of tofu on Monday and have been staring at it wondering what fun? things I could do with it. If I have to, I'll resort to using it in a stir-fry, but I would much prefer to have it in some fantastic Kathy-made recipe...

Well... let's see what this week has in store! (I am seriously hoping that scale-withdrawal doesn't involve the urge to make trips to the fridge!)