Day 298: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

I just wanted to wish everyone a really fantastic Christmas this year! I hope you enjoy the holiday! Drink lots, eat lots and then maybe think about getting back on track on Boxing day... or if you happen to have willpower, disregard this last sentence.

Day 294: Wild is the Wind

Update: When I weighed myself the next day, it was a very scary 219lbs... so an 8lb gain in like a week. I obviously didn't take it completely to heart. The day after that said 216lbs, and I haven't had time to weigh myself since...

It's been a really good week so far... I am now officially done my last exam of the semester! Yay! We'll see if I passed anatomy... but all the other courses went really well. After our last exam on Tuesday, about 2/3rds of my class and I went to the bar (haha.. at like 11:30am) to drink and have lunch together to celebrate. The meal was disappointing and super slow, but the company was awesome. I really like my class and would love to be better friends with a couple of them.

And after that, we went skating at City Hall. It was really fun and relaxing. I still suck really badly at skating, but I am slowly getting better. We took really cute pictures, and maybe I'll post one or two because they make me happy looking at them. Such a good time. After I had got home after the day, I pretty much had to start thinking about packing my apartment up. Wednesday morning I had to set up my moving-out appointment with the movers and the condo people. I realized I knew nothing about my condo, so I had to head over there and learn how to get my car into the garage, where my spot was, where my locker was, how visitor parking works and how people call me to get into the building. Needless to say, I spent a good half hour talking with the security guy figuring it all out.

I had to rush home because ex-roomie was on her way for a long visit with me. And pretty much as soon as I got home she arrived. We hung out for a little bit, and then headed to University town to visit with Fashionista. She moved into her new place with her boyfriend in September, and I just didn't have time to go see it, so we planned to get together as soon as my exams were up. We went out for dinner and had another really long wait, but got a free mid-meal brownie for free because of it.

My other roommate is coming to visit at 3ish today, and we will probably go out to the bar and hang out and re-live the olden days. It should be lots of fun.

And I still need to do all of my Christmas shopping... I have not even thought about Christmas until now and it's scary to think of all I still have to do! Ekkk...

Posting may be super sporadic in the next week, just because I'll be out and about freaking out about Christmas and entertaining the friends...

Schedule:
Today: shopping, bar
Friday: buy/pick out paint colours and other painting supplies, shopping, bar, movies, skating
Saturday: more bar! haha, maybe painting
Sunday: get internet, cable t.v. at condo, go to dad's for christmas
Monday: relax
Tuesday: christmas morning at mom's, christmas dinner at brother's
27th: move out!

and sometime in there, I have to wash the walls and then paint everything in my condo.. and maybe even get a carpet cleaner machine to wash the carpets.. ekk.. lots to do and so little time..
Alright, Merry Christmas if I don't have time to post before then... I hope the holidays aren't stressing you all out too much!

Day 289: Cold December

Update: No weigh-ins for the past week, but I intend to weight myself (for better or worse) tomorrow morning...

So apologize for being AWOL - as much to you as to me. It was a short hiatus that actually felt much longer, I thought for sure I hadn't written anything in weeks... but alas it was just a week. Thank god.

So I have been busy... apparently building up some extra insulation for the bitter cold weather that has seemed to plague the city of late. But I have now decided that I would just rather buy a new coat... the extra pounds are so over-rated... ;P I actually have been busy though. With my nephew's birthday last Saturday and then the rest of the week being spent holed up in my apartment to study - it's been a stressful week too. Two exams are now over and there is one left on Tuesday (which I should technically be studying for now... but whatever... I work better under pressure). I had initially thought that because of the stress and the time-crunch of studying for the two exams (one on Wednesday and the other on Friday), that eating wouldn't be too much of a problem, in fact I thought that I wouldn't have time to eat enough. But alas, that was NOT the case. I failed to take into account the fact that I would be sitting at home for 24 hours a day and have nothing else to distract myself with except food and internet t.v. So not only did I watch two seasons of 'Dexter', but also managed to eat mounds of food at every possible interval. I started out well with just grapes and some rice crackers. But the grapes were eventually gone and it led to eating cheese and chocolate chips and marshmallows. It was just constant munching. The fact that I couldn't get motivated to even start studying made it easier to give into any (and every craving).

During that time I also managed to stop taking my multivitamin for whatever reason and I honestly felt a huge difference. I was lethargic all the time, just wanting to constantly go back to sleep. Frankly, I don't know when I did take the time to study and surprisingly that first exam went really really well; I was the first one out of the exam (a good sign). The second one I managed to focus more for, but only because it was anatomy and I had 1000 pages to memorize and that was/is a scary scary thought. That exam did not go so well. You would think with that many things to know the professor would stick to more general and recurring topics, but no... she was specific and by that time all the names of the muscles/bones/nerves/vessels were jumbled in my head. Luckily, I am not the only one who felt that way... so here is to a bit of bellcurving! I am just thankful it's over. One more, and I am not really worried about that one. Not that it will necessarily be easy... but just easier than anatomy and I am not afraid of failing this one.

During this past week exercising certainly fell by the wayside. I thought about it a lot, but to actually get out my warm apartment for the cold outdoors and the trip to school was just too much to actually do it, plus all the wasted time where I could have been studying (and yes I realize I wasted time anyway... but it's different.. :P at home at least I had the *potential* to study) haha. Anyway, on Tuesday after my class's last exam we are going out for lunch and then going skating. Hmm... skating. This is a delicate topic for me. The last time I skated I was probably about 1o or 11. So 10 years ago. I remember my roommates constantly asking me if I wanted to go skating with them (one of my roomies was a figure skater as a child) and I would always say no. It would be my automatic statement whenever the subject came up. No. Non. Niente. (I think that last one means 'nothing', but I'm keeping it). I was afraid to try again. I was/am fat, my center of gravity has always been higher than most people, making me more off balanced than if I was just fat. And oh yeah... I have this pretty severe fear of breaking my teeth... and/or falling backwards. Honestly about the teeth thing. Whenever I picture myself doing something... let's say like walking up concrete steps... one of my scenarios will always involve me falling forward and breaking my teeth. It makes me careful whenever I do anything and I can say I have yet to break one of the off yet (or any other part of my body). So I could see myself falling backwards, forwards, sideways.. those bloody skates just constantly slipping out from under my large body.
However, something is different about me now. Maybe it's the weight loss or maybe it's the people I am with or the person I have recently become, but I had this urge to re-learn. For once in my life I wanted to get back at it. I want to feel how it used to feel. I have such good memories of skating with my dad and even during lessons I had a good time. I asked my student council friend if she wanted to join me on Friday (as in yesterday) at a rink somewhere in Toronto where I could learn. She agreed and after our horrible exam we went skating. She wanted to go to an outdoor rink - there are a few famous ones in Toronto - but I was adamant about having walls. I knew I would need them starting out... lol... For about the first 40minutes I would even let go of the wall, I would just skate up and down it as 13 year olds would speed past me, making me jealous of their abilities to twirl, spin... go around gradual curves... and stop. I suppose at first I was hesitant. The fear of embarrassment has always been with me, even if I bury it deep. But I sucked it up (I had bought new skates for the occasion, so it was a done deal), and I had a great time. I suck. I suck really really badly. But I am making progress. In the last half hour I let go of the wall and skated around the rink with Liz (that is her name). And no falls! That I am most proud of. I want to go back and get some more practice in before the skating on Tuesday (there are no walls where we are going), but I don't think there is time. Although, there does seem to be some sort of rink behind my apartment somewhere... I'll have to google it and see when it's open and available... maybe I can take a study break tomorrow. I am so impressed with myself and this newfound gumption. I feel sort of bad about saying no to my roommates before - it almost feels like I am cheating on them with my new friends by giving into new experiences with them. But for some reason the timing wasn't right then, I wasn't as comfortable then as I am now in this skin. Yes, I might embarrass myself, but then someone laughs at me (and that someone is usually me) and I keep going. No bruises (well... there might eventually be with skating).
It is kind of funny because last weekend when I was home I told my dad that I would be trying skating again. I thought he would be all supportive as he was the one I used to skate with all those years ago and the fact that I would be finding something active to do in the wintertime (the worst time of year for me for exercise considering previous to this weekend, I didn't skate, snowboard, ski, or like walking in snow)... but instead he said that I shouldn't do it. That I would hurt myself and not be very good because it had been so long and it uses different muscles. Huh. I have no idea where that came from. He's always been a devil's advocate, but he usually comes around. This time he was adamant about how I should try it again. Anyway, both me and his fiancee were quite perplexed about the whole matter and I just ignored it and promised myself I would do it anyway. His thoughts did make me more cautious about the whole experience and a bit worrisome too... but thank goodness I didn't let him stop me.

Goals for the week starting Sunday (I am starting off easy):
-get 10 glasses of water!
-take multi-vitamin
-eat two vegetables in any form (raw/cooked)
-eat two fruits
-start tracking foods again on TDP

Okay, I think that is all. I ordered pizza for dinner tonight, but only ate about a 1/4-1/3 of it... I think I should just throw the rest out even if I feel it's wasteful. I didn't even enjoy eating it, but I knew that I didn't want to cook anything for dinner. Yah... I should probably throw it out, and throw it out now before I smell it tomorrow and change my mind. Maybe I'll cut out bread for the week too - force myself to eat a bit differently for a while.

Oh yeah.. and lastly (I keep remembering random things)... go see Juno... the movie Juno. So cute. I saw it today and I loved it! So cute and a bit off-colour, but totally my type of humour. Let me know if you see it and like it... haha... but not if you don't (then we might not be able to be friends anymore)...

I also wanted to thank Lauren for checking up on me today and wondering where I was. I really appreciate it! I definitely want you guys to keep me accountable if I randomly go away for awhile - and I'll do the same for you (let's hope we never go on 'hiatus' at the same time, otherwise there will be problems with these logistics...).

Have a good Sunday and thanks for reading this monster of a post! Sorry for the lack of commenting.... the holidays will soon be here, so you may see too much of me...

Day 283: Don't Dream It's Over

Update: not sure... and I'm not sure I want to know...

So my attempt at avoiding all the bad foods and keeping '50lbs' in my head was a total bust. From the moment we got to the pub until we left, I was eating and drinking. I had a fantastic time... so much fun, therefore, I won't regret it (too much).

And ever since Thursday night, my entire eating/sleeping schedule has been completely turned upside down. I am completely exhausted all the time and feeling larger than usual (although, TOM is starting this week, so that might have something to do with my bloatedness and lack of willpower - Ha!).

My ex-roomie made it to my place really late on Thursday night (after I came home from the bar) and we ended up staying up and chatting for a while - making a late night, even later. Eventually I had to go to bed (I felt bad yawning through some of her stories, but it was physically impossible not to). My Friday class was an early one, so I only got a couple hours of sleep. My teacher brought timbits to class and they somehow ended up being plopped right next to me, where I ate way too many of them. After class, the ex-roomie and I went shopping (where I bought some sweaters from the Gap - size large!) and eventually mosied on to my new neighbourhood where we ate at an early dinner/late lunch at a pub and then I showed her my new place. And note to self: seeing an empty condo is super anti-climatic. After a much needed nap, we slowly began the drinking process - finishing a bottle of wine between the two of us and a couple of other drinks. For a good long while I hoped that we wouldn't go to the bar and just see a movie or something else really mild - but the bar won out. We had a good time chatting about boys and more boys while drinking and eating more(of course). It was another good night.

Why is impossible for me to say no to these foods? I am pretty sure that 90% of the time I was eating, I wasn't even hungry. Jeez... I know I'll get back to the good eating, but it still constantly makes me sad how easy it is to fall back to old patterns. I honestly feel 4 sizes larger than a week ago - stupid delicious poutine.... you shouldn't have made me eat you...

On Tuesday I had decided to try on a shirt I haven't worn in over two years. It was a shirt I saw in the window of Fairweather a long time ago and pretty much had to have it. I wore it only a couple times (and probably shouldn't have) - it was definitely too tight. But on Tuesday, it fit (okay... maybe still a tiny bit too tight, but it fit unbelievably different than it used to). It was a great moment. I know a lot of people tell us fat girls to get rid of the 'skinny' clothes and just dress our bodies at this moment, but I have to say that I am really happy I kept some of these pieces of clothing. It's a great gauge for letting me know what size I actually am. I mean, I still feel fat a decent amount of time (especially when I have seen pictures of myself - why do I see a difference in the mirror, and that difference disappears once someone snaps a photo of it?), so at least this way I have a physical reminder of how far I've come. I think I only have one more piece of clothing that I am waiting to fit me - just a plain gray hoodie - that will be the day I seriously celebrate my accomplishment.

Oh well... keeping that in mind, I am off to greet a new day...

Day 279: Everlong

Update: 211lbs, down: 49lbs, 11 left to go...

Wow... I am proud of myself for recovering quickly, but I have to say that with my 12 hour school schedule, it was relatively easy to stay away from the food. My only real temptation was getting chocolates as prizes during presentations (which, I ate...), but again, I was way too nervous about my practical to eat much of it.

Yesterday ended up being a great day; I finished a group presentation, which went really well (or at least no serious mess-ups) and then my dreaded practical went beautifully. It involved an 18 minute portion with our imaging cameras and then 13 minutes for a computer portion. This part of the course is worth 30%, with a corresponding quiz on Thursday for a course that has a 75% pass limit. If I failed this practical, I would almost fail the course - how scary is that? Anyhoo... I got perfect! Whoo! (And I am feeling secretly smug because all of my very smart and overachieving friends got a couple marks off for small mistakes...). What a load off! I still have a second practical today, but it's only worth 15% and I am pretty sure I won't fail it knowing what I already know.

Already I have a couple of challenges for December. Today, my student council meeting is being held at a bar with free food (bar food... aka fried). Now, as much as I would love to eat some of that food (and I will eat a little), I would rather see 210 on the scale in the next few days. THAT is more important to me. That equals 50lbs down... I can't even tell you how proud I am of that number. However, on Thursday some of my class is getting together after class and going drinking! So excited for that, I haven't gone out or done anything socially fun in a very long time (October?), so I really want to enjoy myself, but again... I also really want to see 210. Anyway, so I am going to try to be really aware of what I am eating. I'll try the bite-test, where I take one bite of something and if I really love the taste, then I can eat it. Luckily the food will be on platters and (hopefully) many people will be there to take away some of the opportunity. I'll try my best to get all my water in and perhaps some exercise (which I have allowed myself a break from lately, while I was freaking out about my practicals). And then... one of my ex-roomies (not the one in Halifax) is coming home from a vacation in Florida and visiting me on the way. So on Thursday night she will arrive and we will probably go out on Friday night and party it up a bit. And then (I almost forgot about this one) I have my nephew's first birthday party on Saturday (shit, I need to buy him a small present). Quite the week... and then I have to find the time to begin studying for exams... haha... oh god... The first one is on Wednesday I think... should be enough time.

We will get through the holidays unscathed if it's the last thing I ever see us do!

Day 276: Young & Sexy

Update: 214.8lbs (I am ashamed...)

Alright, it's been kind of a random week. I was doing really well, and then suddenly the weight loss just stopped for a couple days. I was exercising each day, and staying within calories, but the scales stayed about the same each day. I tried not to let it get me down, but of course, there is always that little place inside that is disappointed. Looking back, I am sure that I didn't drink enough water and my approaching cold wasn't helping anything either. On Friday, I didn't get the exercise I was hoping because of the stuffed up nose, sore throat and the fact that I just wanted to have nice hair for one morning this week. I did manage to get a little bit of exercise walking the twenty minutes to and from the lawyers office - despite the fact that the bloody keys weren't ready when I randomly decided to go. But no worries, later in the evening I got the call to go pick them up. I felt like such an adult. I even decided I would go right then and there to see the condo for the first time - it being now mine.

There obviously wasn't much for me to do there, as the entire place is empty, but I looked in all the doors, I laid down in the tub (unfilled - it's a deep tub!) and plopped myself down on the living room carpet and sang some songs from my ipod (right now that is my hugest pet peeve - I can't sing at the top of my lungs because all my neighbours will hear). Now that it's actually mine I am a little more excited than I was previously, but alas, I truly cannot move in early despite my wanting to. I have to figure out what colours to paint... that will be the hardest part.

I went to bed at about 9:30pm on Friday night (god, I am an exciting young woman, aren't I?), and it was wonderful. I got about 10 hours of sleep for the first time in a long time, and probably could have slept a little longer. I ended up driving home to my dad's house so I could get my many loads of laundry done (can't wait until condo time... I will be able to wash my clothes as soon as they are dirty!). My dad's is where the food part gets iffy. He doesn't have bad stuff, but he has all the stuff I don't normally eat. I snacked on babybel cheese and peak freans cookies, and tostitos and salsa. Dinner ended up being a massive feast of mashed potatoes (with full fat sour cream - oh! how I love thee) and pork with homemade applesauce and salad and fresh bread and butter. Oh so delicious, but most of it I did not need. When I sauntered over to my mom's house later on, she had one of those mixed boxes of chocolate cookies and I could not help myself - I ate about 8 of them. Again, oh so good... but unnecessary. I am now thinking that this Christmas thing will be a lot harder than I originally anticipated. I am still going to try to lose poundage this month, but if by New Year's Day I am the same as I am (two pounds ago... ) then I'll be satisfied. Christmas has all the temptations that the rest of the year doesn't... stuffing, turkey, chocolate in every single way possible, homemade desserts, appetizers, alcohol, eating-out. Man, I hope you guys can help me stay on track, I think I will need it once the vacation starts.

One thing I am very very excited about is that I bought a new dress! For New Year's Eve - for my yet-to-be-planned-plans! It was featured in Glamour magazine (for plus sized people) and I had to have it. It's satin, fitted, knee-length, v-neck... oh heck... I'll just show you a picture...


I bought the blue-ish one (although it was called 'emerald' on the website - www.silhouettes.com). I really wanted the black one, but both it and the brown one was unavailable in both 16s and 18s. It's not very often that I find a plus size dress that I actually love, so I knew that I should just go for it... and it was only like 60$ american (haha... which is $60 canadian too). I ended up buying it in the size 18, just in case the 16 wouldn't fit my waist. I figured a bit of tailoring would fix it if it was too big. I am immensely excited to wear it... and if I don't find anywhere to wear it... heck, I'll just walk the streets of Toronto until I do... Can't wait until it arrives!

My mom and I woke up this morning to a very large amount of snow covering everything, so I was enlisted to help her shovel most of it - what I consider my exercise for the day. We went for breakfast afterward, where I ate stuff I would normally not eat, but I counted every calorie to the best of my ability. Today, despite the large breakfast, I am making sure that I eat under calories and drink as much water as my body can hold. Tomorrow, I will be on track! I have a very very stressful week ahead, but as usual, I work best under pressure.

I hope to come visit you guys sometime soon... have a great Sunday!